It’s been a while since I posted last. This, I think, is a good thing, a sign that I am growing more comfortable, a comfort that is sincere and grows from my core, not from my desire to communicate messages of surety during a time of insane personal transition. I know I have this tendency, to bluff my way through talking about deeper things despite my very real experiences with them, writing instead. So, not writing is a sign that deep down, I’ve arrived to a place of less emotional volatility. Maybe.
This is not to say that things are any smoother, just that I am coping better. Work remains a shit show but the bowel movements are a tad more predictable (this wordplay seems tasteless in the context of work with sewage workers). People won’t meet me for breakfast meetings before work, the days won’t be full of productive meetings, there are no agendas or minutes, tea interrupts, no consistent email access. Orientations can’t prepare you to be a new person. Call it culture, call it the American college graduate working with an NGO in India, call it what you will, blame it on the visceral forces that be, my experiences remain. Non-native english speakers don’t write well in english. Workshops can’t fix this. The staff don’t really understand how to relate to other NGOs, funders, keep proper documentation, think strategically – this is the reality, and I am learning what is set and what is open for change. These problems were here before me and will be here. And then there are other things that I can do, that will take a lot of work and prodding, but I know will be helpful. Above all, I am learning a lot about NGO politics - that in the same way that no good deed goes unpunished, no initiative goes uncontested. In India, there are expressions to the same effect – that you only get into trouble once you start following the law.
For my first six weeks in Ahmedabad I worked patiently with people, sat in three-day workshops where I really didn’t understand a single word, took tea and more tea, went to the field, helped with grants as they came up, talked with the staff, conducted impact assessments, participatory observation at my best, trying to make sense, mold my edges to fit into the puzzle. When I made a move to try and shake some things up, to take initiative, to split my time between the hair splitting, but important work here, and a different, equally important, related project to be overlooked by a partner NGO, New York, in the nicest, most sensitive, political, guarded NGO speak, came down as clearly as things come in this arena. Aaron: There were many options to explore, feelings to be sensitive too, caution against haste, dynamics in play, precedent to be wary of, mutual learning experiences to be cognizant of, cultural differences, norms and expectations, pride in play, power dynamics that need to be addressed and considered in going forward.
Yes, there are all of these things and they are important. But, this is exactly what I had been doing since arriving. Admitted: I ranted on emails and phone calls, left the office early one day so that I could ride around on my bike and scream my frustration, and approached my wit’s end many, many times. But, at work I was patient, responsive, did what was asked, sensitive and bla bla bla, assessing the situation as best as I could and coming up with a plan that I sincerely feel would be the best for me and the organizations involved.
New York says that conference calls are going to get to the bottom of it -- meaning well and intending to create the best of the situation, but effectively stating that my efforts are not relevant and that they, from NYC over the phone in an hour, will get to the bottom of the exact complexities their terms warned me of. Chosen because I would be a flexible volunteer who would work well in an uncertain situation, I was quite confused; Wasn’t I doing exactly that? I must have followed the law or done a good deed.
This is tremendously frustrating. It doesn’t, however, make me furrow my brow – my telltale of stress. Initially, it did, and as this was going down, I was going bizerk, writing more emails and making more phone calls than an agent on draft night, trying to guide the situation in the direction I envisioned, trading this for that, bluffing a little here, liberally interpreting phrases there. Now, I just do my work, work that I understand to be needed and important, work with the community, with my organization, putting my time and energy into the progress on the ground and not the titles of that progress or headings of the project it falls under, the MOU that guides it. I am learning; sometimes egos are managed best by sacrificing yours, telling people what they need to hear, and going ahead. I will go ahead.
On Sunday night, crawling through traffic on the overnight bus from Mumbai to Ahmedabad, I was thinking of the weekend. It was a nice weekend. Nice to see some of the other people on the trip, to joke, share common memories, hear gossip, eat nice food, take a hot shower, go swimming. Of course we talked about our work. Some of the details are different, but the premises largely the same – lack of clarity, not much work, no communication, and a large amount of uncertainty. Wide awake in the plush leather chair of the air conditioned Volvo bus (the roads are so bad that every 10 minutes it felt like the bus was hit by a mortar round) thinking of conversations from the weekend and news of other fellows throughout the country, their posture bothered me, the tone of some of the things said, an acceptance, a complacence. Placing a distance between their organization, its work, and the people it works for, they’ve retreated in large part to a disconnected place that relieves them of responsibility, any implication to the reality on the ground, a bystander. Whether they actually have a stake in the ground is another question, but the point of this year is to at least explore, engage, see, feel, react, work hard, make things happen. Or, maybe its not and that’s why I feel very different from most of the people on this trip.
Regardless, all of us are struggling with what to do, adjusting to a new country, living, and working situation and this is not easy, but with seven months to go it feels that people on this program are accepting the situations they are in, content to do what comes up, forego initiative because of daunting circumstances, jamming excuses or matters of convenience between achievable work and possible accomplishments, and ideas of what is ‘realistic’ or ‘sensitive’ or ‘their role.’
Banksy, a British graffiti artist, has a quote in his book to the effect: people don’t take initiative because no one ever told them they could. This bothers me and I don’t want to be one of these people. It is this thought that was in my mind Sunday night on the way back from Mumbai. It is time to get shit going.
--
I am happy; I smile often, and feel peaceful with where I am, what I am doing, what I am trying to do. At my nucleus, there is balance. So too is there a lot of activity, energy, ideas shooting around, a healthy amount of discomfort and confusion, schemes for projects and initiatives, a couple more protons than neutrons, doing my best never to be neutral and always be positive. Sure there is volatility, electrons bounce around and sometimes this strikes me deep down, but for the most part I am dealing with what is before me, doing my best, and when that is not good enough, working harder or from a different angle, but aware too that there are things I can’t change no matter how badly I want to.
Pakistan is insane, I feel lonely in the ok and usual way that I usually do, desiring companionship but afraid to make the sacrifices that it requires (and unable to meet any single women here), loved the package, appreciate the emails, hope the field hockey women win the championship, am glad the Yankees signed Jorge, miss my friends, fart, look forward to moving into my apartment and my new, green room, am going to see my first Bollywood movie tonight, try to grow a beard while not becoming the guy with nasty facial hair, think often about jobs next year, dream of the trip I will take before returning to NYC, read a lot, eat too much mango ice cream, consider Lasik surgery, love the food, ring the bell on my bike, and do my best to smile all the while.
I am a very lucky young man.
This is not to say that things are any smoother, just that I am coping better. Work remains a shit show but the bowel movements are a tad more predictable (this wordplay seems tasteless in the context of work with sewage workers). People won’t meet me for breakfast meetings before work, the days won’t be full of productive meetings, there are no agendas or minutes, tea interrupts, no consistent email access. Orientations can’t prepare you to be a new person. Call it culture, call it the American college graduate working with an NGO in India, call it what you will, blame it on the visceral forces that be, my experiences remain. Non-native english speakers don’t write well in english. Workshops can’t fix this. The staff don’t really understand how to relate to other NGOs, funders, keep proper documentation, think strategically – this is the reality, and I am learning what is set and what is open for change. These problems were here before me and will be here. And then there are other things that I can do, that will take a lot of work and prodding, but I know will be helpful. Above all, I am learning a lot about NGO politics - that in the same way that no good deed goes unpunished, no initiative goes uncontested. In India, there are expressions to the same effect – that you only get into trouble once you start following the law.
For my first six weeks in Ahmedabad I worked patiently with people, sat in three-day workshops where I really didn’t understand a single word, took tea and more tea, went to the field, helped with grants as they came up, talked with the staff, conducted impact assessments, participatory observation at my best, trying to make sense, mold my edges to fit into the puzzle. When I made a move to try and shake some things up, to take initiative, to split my time between the hair splitting, but important work here, and a different, equally important, related project to be overlooked by a partner NGO, New York, in the nicest, most sensitive, political, guarded NGO speak, came down as clearly as things come in this arena. Aaron: There were many options to explore, feelings to be sensitive too, caution against haste, dynamics in play, precedent to be wary of, mutual learning experiences to be cognizant of, cultural differences, norms and expectations, pride in play, power dynamics that need to be addressed and considered in going forward.
Yes, there are all of these things and they are important. But, this is exactly what I had been doing since arriving. Admitted: I ranted on emails and phone calls, left the office early one day so that I could ride around on my bike and scream my frustration, and approached my wit’s end many, many times. But, at work I was patient, responsive, did what was asked, sensitive and bla bla bla, assessing the situation as best as I could and coming up with a plan that I sincerely feel would be the best for me and the organizations involved.
New York says that conference calls are going to get to the bottom of it -- meaning well and intending to create the best of the situation, but effectively stating that my efforts are not relevant and that they, from NYC over the phone in an hour, will get to the bottom of the exact complexities their terms warned me of. Chosen because I would be a flexible volunteer who would work well in an uncertain situation, I was quite confused; Wasn’t I doing exactly that? I must have followed the law or done a good deed.
This is tremendously frustrating. It doesn’t, however, make me furrow my brow – my telltale of stress. Initially, it did, and as this was going down, I was going bizerk, writing more emails and making more phone calls than an agent on draft night, trying to guide the situation in the direction I envisioned, trading this for that, bluffing a little here, liberally interpreting phrases there. Now, I just do my work, work that I understand to be needed and important, work with the community, with my organization, putting my time and energy into the progress on the ground and not the titles of that progress or headings of the project it falls under, the MOU that guides it. I am learning; sometimes egos are managed best by sacrificing yours, telling people what they need to hear, and going ahead. I will go ahead.
On Sunday night, crawling through traffic on the overnight bus from Mumbai to Ahmedabad, I was thinking of the weekend. It was a nice weekend. Nice to see some of the other people on the trip, to joke, share common memories, hear gossip, eat nice food, take a hot shower, go swimming. Of course we talked about our work. Some of the details are different, but the premises largely the same – lack of clarity, not much work, no communication, and a large amount of uncertainty. Wide awake in the plush leather chair of the air conditioned Volvo bus (the roads are so bad that every 10 minutes it felt like the bus was hit by a mortar round) thinking of conversations from the weekend and news of other fellows throughout the country, their posture bothered me, the tone of some of the things said, an acceptance, a complacence. Placing a distance between their organization, its work, and the people it works for, they’ve retreated in large part to a disconnected place that relieves them of responsibility, any implication to the reality on the ground, a bystander. Whether they actually have a stake in the ground is another question, but the point of this year is to at least explore, engage, see, feel, react, work hard, make things happen. Or, maybe its not and that’s why I feel very different from most of the people on this trip.
Regardless, all of us are struggling with what to do, adjusting to a new country, living, and working situation and this is not easy, but with seven months to go it feels that people on this program are accepting the situations they are in, content to do what comes up, forego initiative because of daunting circumstances, jamming excuses or matters of convenience between achievable work and possible accomplishments, and ideas of what is ‘realistic’ or ‘sensitive’ or ‘their role.’
Banksy, a British graffiti artist, has a quote in his book to the effect: people don’t take initiative because no one ever told them they could. This bothers me and I don’t want to be one of these people. It is this thought that was in my mind Sunday night on the way back from Mumbai. It is time to get shit going.
--
I am happy; I smile often, and feel peaceful with where I am, what I am doing, what I am trying to do. At my nucleus, there is balance. So too is there a lot of activity, energy, ideas shooting around, a healthy amount of discomfort and confusion, schemes for projects and initiatives, a couple more protons than neutrons, doing my best never to be neutral and always be positive. Sure there is volatility, electrons bounce around and sometimes this strikes me deep down, but for the most part I am dealing with what is before me, doing my best, and when that is not good enough, working harder or from a different angle, but aware too that there are things I can’t change no matter how badly I want to.
Pakistan is insane, I feel lonely in the ok and usual way that I usually do, desiring companionship but afraid to make the sacrifices that it requires (and unable to meet any single women here), loved the package, appreciate the emails, hope the field hockey women win the championship, am glad the Yankees signed Jorge, miss my friends, fart, look forward to moving into my apartment and my new, green room, am going to see my first Bollywood movie tonight, try to grow a beard while not becoming the guy with nasty facial hair, think often about jobs next year, dream of the trip I will take before returning to NYC, read a lot, eat too much mango ice cream, consider Lasik surgery, love the food, ring the bell on my bike, and do my best to smile all the while.
I am a very lucky young man.
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