An excerpt from February’s monthly report (names changed and organization called AA). ‘Rents and a break get here tomorrow; thank god.
I am totally frustrated, fed up, and out of patience, feeling like I don’t want to be working in Ahmedabad any longer. There is no one event that tipped the scale. In the beginning months I was fine to do anything, handling (more or less) certain frustrations, trying to work hard, excited at times and looking to contribute however possible. Seven months in, my patience is lost and my nerves are on their last legs, sick of people hissing at me in the street, the chaos of our office, and most things in between. Within AA I am an english-speaking secretary and the expectation with which people ask me to do menial tasks is annoying. People still stare in the streets, are rude, the city is dusty and loud. I don’t like it.
What I like least about it is my reaction. In a previous life I was a happy, energetic, (relatively) patient, stress-free person with an optimist’s outlook on each day, an appreciation for human interactions, and a generally pleasant countenance. Now, my interactions are curt, sometimes rude. I hate this, I don’t want to be rude to anyone, in my office, rickshaw drivers – anyone -- but it is a coping mechanism, one that I have done my best to avoid for months and months but find myself reverting to. It is not nice to be unkind it is not how I care to live my life but, sadly, I am.
This infects everything, my work with and commitment to AA most notably. I’ve started looking ahead, counting the days until I run the marathon and leave right after that. This is not a good way to be here and I don’t know how to change it – it must improve – for the remaining time. Hopefully a week with my parents, a break (we just had a break), and some time away will reinvigorate me for the balance.
What I find most problematic is dealing with _____ji, a man I have grown to appreciate so deeply for his archetypal imperfection. He is such a good man, a sweet man with a caring heart and the best intentions, but he doesn’t know what he is doing running an NGO and makes it up as he goes. He is stubborn, sexist in ways he is not aware of, frantic, a great talker. In him I see someone struggling to lead, to support a staff where funding might be running out, to help these workers, to play a part – to act in a space that requires a skill set he does not have and he tries every day, as best he knows, to cover his bases. He is not dumb or naïve, he is cunning, manipulative at times (I think he has ADHD. I mean that. I have never seen the man sit still for more than 10 minutes and even when he is sitting his eyes constantly dart around the room, and his hands fiddle with something. He does not focus or listen. At first I thought it was just his personality, and in part it is, but so too do I think he has ADHD. Yes, this is my professional, psychiatric opinion).
Because of his character, I have a very hard time telling him no. When he asks me to do something, we are not really able to talk through why he/AA is doing it – language is a problem but the bigger problem is that he doesn’t work in this way - what he is getting at, any sort of broader strategy or plan, so I have two options; “_____ji, this is a good idea,” and his excited reply of, “Good good good, very good!” or my reply of “_____ji, I don’t think this is the best option” and his defeated admission: “As you like.”
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Below are my thoughts. Unapologetically, I have tried to capture my observations & reactions with the hopes that the process will help me make better sense of the matters and you, the reader, might smile at some point. Please read with my confession before you: I admit to knowing very little, offer no absolutes or claim of value. Rather, below is an attempt to articulate a slightly different perception of life; a look through my glasses, refracting life in a unique lens on a rainy day.
1 comment:
This is to say how much I admire Aaron.
Living in Ahmenbad as an American is not easy. A tall, white, man, is prime target for beggars, relentless street sellers and inflated rickshaw price quotes. People assume you have money, and of course, by comparison, you do. But how to negociate every day with the constant bombardment is very challenging. One day, we went out to buy some snacks. We picked up some crackers, peanuts, raisins and a bunch of bananas. By the time we got back, all we had left were some of the raisins. The other food had been distributed to children and their mothers along the way. The people to whom we gave the food were lovely looking and seemed mostly appreciative but we returned without the intended snacks and with a sense of futility given all of the other children to whom we didn't give food. The persistance is much greater when one looks foreign. People will track the foreigner for blocks, if not delt with seriously.
The dust, animal smells and other pollution also make living in Ahmenbad difficult. A lot of people cough all day because the hot dry dusty air makes it hard to breathe.
The incongruities are also challenging, highly educated muliplied degreed young professionals ride in cars and motor bikes adjacent to camel and oxen drawn carts driven by uneducated fathers and sons.
In all of this is Aaron. In this mix, he has dedicated himself, as much as possible, to the NGO where he works. He has helped to raise funds, helped put together a booklet on their work, and has conducted several organizational workshops. The staff is so crazy about him and his work that they wish he could stay another year!
Aaron has found housing and a roommate from India(and UK), he shops the local stores, knows the guys at the internet cafe, chats with his neighbors, has made friends and acquaintences from other NGO's and even found a gym. All of this is not easily done in Ahmenbad where getting from point A to point B can take hours and lots of effort. Its not the same as accomplishing this is a European city or even Delhi.
Naturally, we're proud of Aaron because we love him and we're his parents but honestly, everyone we met from the NGO, AJWS, and the other activities he has come to know thinks most highly of his work and his personality. And witnessing first hand how difficult the situation can be, I can only say that I really admire his accomplishments, his good energy and his constant striving. I already admired the Big A, but having visited myself, I really admire him all the more.
M
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